"New love is like discovering a new favorite food. At first, it's all you want. It's all you need. When I was a kid, I fell in love with broccoli and cheese. It was my favorite flavor in the world. Didn't understand why. Didn't matter. My mother understood and she made it for me all the time. I had to have broccoli and cheese. Then one day I didn't want anymore broccoli and cheese. I put it in my mouth and my mouth rejected it like a stolen credit card. I never imagined that would happen. I thought I loved broccoli and cheese. Now I nearly throw up at the sight of broccoli and cheese. I learned a lesson from broccoli and cheese that I'll never forget: no matter how in love you are, no matter how much you think something's going to last forever, chances are it won't.
When you've got a love jones, you're like Mr. Magoo: legally blind, always bumping into something, and so deep up in it you have no time for the rest of life. The landlord puts your shit out in the street? So what? You're in love. Six people in the next room have Ebola virus? You don't care. You're in love. World War III just broke out? Let 'em fight. You're in love.
The reason we say "fell in love" is that it makes it sound more like an accident. Men act like, "I was walking along and fell in love. I tried to get my boys to pull me out, but I got all tangled in ropes and sticks and I couldn't break free."
Love can be cool if a woman falls in there with you. But that doesn't always happen. More often than not you'll fall in love by yourself. You can't make somebody love you. Want to. Can't.
Finally, you have to tell her the truth: "Hey, I'm in love with you." As soon as you say those words you realize that she couldn't give a fuck. You know because her voice got all sweet and patient. "It's not you, it's just that right now I'm not ready for a relationship." I knew that line. That's what all women tell you when you're not the guy. What it really means is, "You know what? I just can't imagine fucking you. I have fantasies of fucking men all the time, but none of them ever involve you. I'm sure there will be a woman out there who loves your scawny ass, but I'm not her." If you hear a woman say, "it's not you," guess what? It's always you!
If I was the guy, there'd be no excuse for her not to be in the relationship. When it comes to love, women don't give a shit about the odds against it. Pocahontas fell in love with John Smith while his boys were slaughtering her family. Romeo and Juliet's people were feuding for generations, and they still tried to make a go of it. Women love to be in relationships. When a woman meets the guy she's ready.
Being blown off is bad. Not getting the hint is worse. When a woman puts you off, you have to move on. I know, you still want to reach out and touch. You just can't help it. But believe me, she really doesn't want to talk to you.
Men have women we'll fuck, but we won't take them out. Women got men you let take you out, but you won't fuck. Ain't that some shit? There are men on dates right now who aren't getting any, and never will.
Women always complain that there are no men out there. But there are plenty of guys. The problem is that women all go after the same men. Ninety percent of the women go after ten percent of the men. More clearly, you all want the same guys. Meanwhile most men aren't getting shit. Most men are just waiting around, wondering, "When am I going to get laid?" All women want the go-getter. The conqueror. But after he's made the conquest they get mad because he won't stick around. What did you expect? He's got to conquer more. He knows he's got a great responsibility to all women. They depend on him. He's their fantasy. But a woman doesn't want to hear that. As soon as Mr. Wonderful moves on, she's on the phone with her girlfriend wanting to know why all men are so full of shit. It's not all men, it's just that ten percent who are lucky enough to get the ninety percent."